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when i was a little girl, i was molested. on the scale of these incidents, mine wasn't very high. it happened once. and compared to so many women, it's not much of a story. and yet, it affected me profoundly. i didn't think it did. didn't pay much attention to it when i was grown. but it managed to come back up. i thought that i had dealt with it and was fine. and one day while working in the studio and NOT thinking about it at all...out of the blue, it hit me that that was a pivotal moment in learning that i didn't matter. and i knew i had some work to do. some unlearning to do. i tend to stumble on things. trip over them. unplanned visits to thoughts. and that's how i stumbled into a visualization i had with "little terri." one morning a friend emailed me a quote from rumi. it said "forget safety. live where you fear to live." i was so taken with this quote, this thought. i took a walk and thought about it. tried to figure out what i was afraid of and where i didn't want to go. it wasn't long before i found myself in the middle of a visualization. i walked and had this whole story play out in my mind. and i could see it so clearly. it was incredibly real to me as i walked. i was going back to get little terri from when she was molested. the images were clear to me. i could see my face looking at her, and loving her totally with every line in my face. with every part of my being. i was loving her and telling her that she was okay. tears poured down my face as i walked. i wasn't controlling the "story" as it played out.....it was just happening and in it, i gave little terri a present. when i handed it to her, i knew it represented self love.....but i didnt' know anymore than that. and she wanted to open it. and so we did. never once did i say "okay, what should i have in the box?" and then figure out what i should see come out of the box. it was a visual that had a life of its own. we opened the box together. and pulled out a framed picture of little terri and myself. it was truly a moving moment for me. at the end of the visual i asked little terri if she wanted to stay with me. and she did. and i could not get over how much i felt like i had her with me. it was incredibly intense. i wrote a bone sigh about it. when i got home and told my sons about the visual, yo yo (my son noah) looked at me and said "i can make that happen for you, mom. that part about the picture." and i stared at him. and he did it. he got a hold of a picture of me when i was little and he combined it with a picture of me now and he put it on my computer as wall paper. he rocks. well.....time went by and i knew i had work to do in the "self love department." and perhaps sensing that little terri was a powerful way to get somewhere.......i shelved her. yep. i kinda put her up. didn't have anything to do with her. i mean....ya know......actually making progress is too scary sometimes! i came up with some reason i needed different wallpaper.....and i moved on. big sigh. and then i realized what i had done and that i needed to undo what
i had done. i came down to my computer and this time made a new
wall paper. just little terri. with the bone sigh next to her. and i put it
up on my computer. right in front of my face. and my intention now
is to work with that visual and many more. to not ignore that inner
child inside of me.
and as i walked the other day, i thought of other women. i thought of this story and the wall paper and how maybe it could help someone else. i was hestiant as it means i have to spill my guts out here in the cyber world. but yet another intention is to help where i can. and to listen to the nudges that i get. this was a definite nudge. and so it is again, with great respect and sincerity that i offer you this story and my hopes that we can all find our beauty.
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